The people who run Sleuth have no Cloo

When NBCUniversal (now one word instead of two) added Sleuth to its stable of cable channels in 2006, it was an alright idea for a channel: Nick at Nite with guns. For its first couple of years, Sleuth's 24-hour lineup was comprised of reruns of NBCUniversal-owned cop or detective shows like Dragnet, Magnum, P.I., Miami Vice and the always-worth-revisiting Homicide: Life on the Street.

But like so many other channels, of course, Sleuth has strayed from its original purpose. These days, DirecTV channel 308 is an ill-defined dumping ground for reruns of current original shows from its sister station USA (Royal Pains, In Plain Sight)--and Walker, Texas Ranger. With content like Royal Pains, a doctor show, In Plain Sight, a cop show with very little detective work because of its focus on witness protection, and Walker, a cop show with no detective work (and one that's only watchable when Conan O'Brien's around to butt in with snarky and appalled commentary), the name Sleuth doesn't make much sense anymore. Cloo--the new name that Sleuth will assume on a yet-to-be-confirmed future date a la the still-inane 2009 conversion of its other sister station Sci Fi to Syfy--makes even less sense. What's next? NBCUniversal rebranding USA as YouSA? (They also own Telemundo. Maybe they should rename it YouEse.)

Occasionally, Sleuth has done something nice like temporarily revive a show I've longed to see again (Keen Eddie, The Rockford Files) or air a 007 marathon or the surprisingly good 1973 made-for-TV caper movie/unsold anthology show pilot The Alpha Caper, which isn't on DVD and stars Henry Fonda as a forcibly retired parole officer who teams up with the ex-cons he used to watch over--two of whom are played by Leonard Nimoy and Larry Hagman--to hijack a shipment of gold. But otherwise, as a fan of the private eye and caper genres, I've found Sleuth to be a wasted opportunity, regurgitating too many of the same broadcast network procedural reruns that can already be found on USA (House, NCIS).

Unless it's airing a White Collar episode I've never seen before or a Burn Notice rerun with a useful spy tip I need to jot down, Sleuth isn't worth my time. The channel's so cheap it doesn't have any on-air hosts or any original programming that could have given Sleuth a distinctive personality, like how breezy procedurals have become USA's forte or how FX has become synonymous with edgy comedies and gritty and violent but intelligently written dramas (the only original show that Sleuth has produced is a 2006 I Love the '80s-style special about "America's Top Sleuths").

It's owned by NBCUniversal and it's called Sleuth (that is until the name change to Cloo takes place), so why isn't the channel diving into the NBCUniversal library, with its vast history of influential crime shows, and pulling out classic sleuthy properties like Columbo (R.I.P. Peter Falk) or the other NBC Mystery Movie shows? Shouldn't a channel called Sleuth be a little, uh, sleuthier?

Also, as someone who stopped finding Law & Order interesting after an ailing Jerry Orbach left the mothership (although the later pairing of Jesse L. Martin and Jeremy Sisto was a great and too-brief one during the mothership's Law half, as was the duo of Chris Noth and Annabella Sciorra on Criminal Intent), I don't think Sleuth needs to be another repository for Criminal Intent and Special Victims Unit reruns (TNT has exclusive rights to reruns of the mothership, which explains its absence on the NBCUniversal channels' schedules). Okay, maybe Criminal Intent is tolerable once every weekday, but a five-hour Goren-thon like the ones Sleuth often does is overkill. Plus, Sleuth is the sixth channel on the dial that currently airs Criminal Intent reruns, after USA, Bravo, Oxygen, WGN and the local MyNetworkTV affiliate. Enough already, man.

As for SVU, I never cared for a show that's like Law & Order for people who enjoy those lame Lifetime women-in-peril TV-movies. Also, it turned Munch, one of my favorite Homicide characters, into a boring extra. That's criminal. I'm glad Christopher Meloni jumped ship because he can now concentrate on unleashing again his much-missed comedic side (a highlight of Wet Hot American Summer and the Harold & Kumar movies).

If I ran Sleuth/Cloo, here's how the schedule would look for what I always thought a crime show channel should be.

The original Law & Order isn't on here because of TNT (another reason to dislike them besides their cancellation of Men of a Certain Age). Wiseguy isn't on here because I assume the most recent syndication package is just like the DVD and iTunes versions of the show, which removed The Moody Blues' "Nights in White Satin" from the famous "Vinnie and Sonny stare into each other's eyes and wind up as footage for The Celluloid Closet II" sequence due to clearance issues. A butchered Wiseguy is like a piece of bitter melon that winds up in my plate of fish and rice: I don't want it. The Shield is missing because Spike has the rights to it, and as for my all-time favorite The Wire, DirecTV's Audience Network currently has dibs on it. I wouldn't want to acquire Wire reruns anyway because NBCUniversal wouldn't let them air uncensored:

MONDAY-FRIDAY
6am: Columbo
7:30am: Barney Miller
8am: Psych
9am: Monk
10am: The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes
11am: The Rockford Files
12pm: "Brilliant But Cancelled" (a revival of an old programming block that was the highlight of NBCUniversal's long-dead Trio channel and has lent its name to a blog at the NBCUniversal-owned Television Without Pity site, the hour would alternate between Terriers, Eyes, Black Tie Affair, Andy Barker, P.I., A Nero Wolfe Mystery, Karen Sisco, Keen Eddie, the Touching Evil remake, Vengeance Unlimited, EZ Streets, Crime Story, Andre Braugher's Thief, Thieves, Day Break, Tenspeed and Brown Shoe and Police Squad!)
1pm: Burn Notice
2pm: I Spy
3pm: The Avengers (I miss A&E's Avengers reruns that used to air at 3pm in the '90s)
4pm: It Takes a Thief
5pm: Mission: Impossible
6pm: Alias (two impeccably scored spy shows back-to-back!)
7pm: "007 at 7" (a broadcast of a 007 movie hosted by Mozzie from White Collar, who points out mistakes in the movie he wouldn't have made if he were Bond)

10pm: Veronica Mars
11pm: Burn Notice
12am: The Equalizer
1am: Law & Order: Criminal Intent (just so that there'd be that one night where the Equalizer episode featuring a Full Metal Jacket-era Vincent D'Onofrio as a crazed arsonist ends up back-to-back with Criminal Intent)
2am: Homicide: Life on the Street (now what if one night, that D'Onofrio Equalizer guest shot ended up getting followed by a D'Onofrio episode of Criminal Intent and then D'Onofrio's guest appearance on Homicide?--that would be even more awesome: D'Onofrio lights people on fire, and then he apprehends people who would light people on fire, and then he gets run over by a subway train)
3am: Spenser: For Hire (as the A.V. Club comments section once said about this show, Avery Brooks is one bad motherfucker)
4am: Harry O
5am: Mannix

SATURDAY
(The whole day is devoted to one show. Sleuth's recent all-Saturday marathons of either White Collar, Burn Notice, Psych, In Plain Sight, Covert Affairs, MacGyver or Charlie's Angels actually aren't a wack idea.)

SUNDAY
6am: Movie
8am: Movie
10am: Movie
12pm: Movie
2pm: Movie
4pm: Movie
6pm: Honey West
6:30pm: The Name of the Game

8pm: Columbo
9:30pm: McCloud
11pm: McMillan and Wife
12:30am: Peter Gunn
1:00am: Batman: The Animated Series
1:30am: Duckman
2:00am: Get Smart
2:30am: Sledge Hammer!
3:00am: Car 54, Where Are You?
3:30am: Barney Miller
4:00am: "The 4 O'Clock Movie" (I'd relegate the channel's frequent broadcasts of straight-to-DVD Steven Seagal or Jean-Claude Van Damme duds to this time slot and get a stand-up or some "Commander USA"-type figure to be the on-air host, so that she or he can make it a less grueling experience to sit through duds like that Van Damme movie that ends with him and Vivica A. Fox sharing one of the strangest-looking prolonged kisses ever filmed)

TV Critic Grimlock is the new definitive voice of TV criticism, so move over, Tom Shales--that is if you can move that hefty ass of yours

In just 50 or so tweets, Grimlock the Dinobot has emerged as a new insightful voice in the often stuffy and annoyingly middlebrow field of TV criticism. Nobody--not even the witty recappers over at the Onion-owned A.V. Club or the refreshingly not-so-stuffy, comic book-loving Alan Sepinwall--has enlivened coverage of the new fall TV season quite like the belligerent tyrannosaur has:

"me grimlock liked when grace park in bikini punched out surfer on five-0. hottest entrance since julie warner skinny-dip in doc hollywood!" (Tuesday, October 05, 2010 8:06 PM)

"me grimlock not miss rick sanchez. sesame street newsflash reporter kermit frog: he more credible journalist than rick sanchez." (Tuesday, October 05, 2010 8:00 PM)

"me grimlock not into unfunny nbc sitcom outsourced. me wish that call center get torched by mumbai gangsters in final episode." (Wednesday, October 06, 2010 11:45 AM)

"me grimlock not masturbate to fox news ladies because they sound so hateful and whiny like starscream." (Wednesday, October 06, 2010 11:41 AM)

I haven't been this riveted by the thoughts of a writer who's discussing TV since the time Armond White implied he wanted to spoon with Keller from Oz.

So what if TV Critic Grimlock, who launched his Twitter page with my help last Sunday (@TVCritGrimlock), has only one follower? Some talented writers are at their most interesting when they're a best-kept secret--or before they jump the shark, to borrow a TV-related phrase that, now that I've finally thought about it, is kind of as tiresome a term as "BFF" or "bromance."

From the Autobot homebase known as the Ark, Grimlock took some time out of his busy TV-watching schedule to discuss the fall season and the animosity towards Optimus Prime (and Dinobot teammate Slag and anyone who's a Decepticon) that occasionally seeps into his tweets, which always look e.e. cummings-esque because Grimlock doesn't quite understand the purpose of the Caps Lock key. To make this Q&A less irritating to read, all of Grimlock's words have been properly cased.


Jimmy J. Aquino: TV Critic Grimlock, do I have to include the "TV Critic" when I address you? Can't I just address you as simply Grimlock or "Grimmy" or "Grimbo" or "Mista Grim" or "Claws Up, 'Lock Down"?

TV Critic Grimlock: Me Grimlock not care! Just like how Optimus not care that his management style become too soft and antiquated for me Grimlock.

JJA: Wow, you just really can't let that beef with Optimus go, can you, Rex-n-Effect? Even after everything Optimus has done for you and your Dinobots here on Earth?

TVCG: Optimus remind me Grimlock of Colosimo in Boardwalk Empire! Optimus lacking ambition! You remember what happen to Colosimo at end of Boardwalk Empire series premiere? Me Grimlock not need to say more.

JJA: You do know you just basically said that Optimus' days are num...

TVCG: Me Grimlock not wish to comment anymore on that. Move on.


JJA: Boardwalk Empire has been well-received within the TV critic community, but you said, "3 episodes in, and me grimlock still wondering if boardwalk empire gonna be scorsese's berlin alexanderplatz or scorsese's seaquest dsv." Aren't you being just as impatient as the broadcast network execs whose constant tinkering in the development of their scripted shows is something HBO has been careful to avoid with its scripted shows?

TVCG: Huh? Me Grimlock not completely follow question. Slow down for me Grimlock.

JJA: You dug The Wire and The Sopranos, right? The Wire didn't get cooking until the fourth episode, when McNulty and Bunk exchanged nothing but F-bombs at the crime scene, and then we knew this wasn't going to be another banal procedural. The Sopranos' first really interesting ep wasn't the pilot. It was when Tony took Meadow on a college road trip, which sounded dull on paper but was riveting because of the artful way the innocuous trip was juxtaposed with Tony's murderous side. Because there's very little pressure to talk down to their viewers and hold their hands and cup their balls, HBO dramas unfold slowly. That's what I think Boardwalk Empire showrunner Terence Winter--a former Sopranos staffer--is doing with his new show.

TVCG: Me Grimlock enjoy certain aspects of Boardwalk--especially full-frontal Paz de la Huerta nudenessness--but at times, me Grimlock feel like been there, done that. Some part of me Grimlock feel like HBO doing another gangster show kind of not up to post-Sopranos HBO standards. AMC and FX original programs more interesting than HBO output these days. Look at biggest hit on HBO right now: vampire version of old '80s HBO softcore porn show The Hitchhiker, but with 10 times less Canadians and 10 times more gay sex? Come on, HBO, step game up.

JJA: But I think most of HBO's scripted comedies have been pretty above average. I was glad for Eastbound & Down's return the moment when Ana de la Reguera slowly shook her ass and did the best version of "Night Moves" ever. What are some examples of AMC and FX original programming that you think are putting HBO to shame right now?

TVCG: Me Grimlock blown away by Breaking Bad! Although Walt remind me Grimlock too much of Optimus when he deal with Jesse, so me not like Walt so much. Me root for Jesse to someday overpower Optimus... I mean... Walt. Mad Men in top form now that storylines headed towards turbulent late '60s. HBO original series department on crack when they rejected Mad Men.

On FX side, me Grimlock into Justified, It Always Sunny and Terriers. Me Grimlock thought at first that Terriers too much like breezy, lighthearted USA detective show, but then me surprised by dark Shield-like turn early on. Me bet that dark turn due to presence of Shawn Ryan. Lights Out trailer on FX badass. Me Grimlock look forward to Lights Out.


JJA: Louie has been excellent. I'm glad Louie will be coming back to FX, as well as Archer.

TVCG: Me enjoy Archer even though it could use more Dinobots in cast. Archer need more diversity in cast. Maybe in season two, Archer writing staff get Dinobot to seduce Lana on undercover mission.

JJA: You Grimlock wanna hit that, right?

TVCG: Me Grimlock like! Lana's man-hands not bother me Grimlock!

JJA: But Tom Shales bothers you. You tweeted that you "wanna rip apart velma from scooby-doo lookalike tom shales. any critic who frequently attack daily show gonna get bit by me."

TVCG: Jonny Stew funny! Tom Shales? Funny-looking!

JJA: Well, you are aware that Shales has always been Team SNL, right?

TVCG: He also hate Wiseguy. Me Grimlock not understand why Shales never like it. Me Grimlock used to enjoy reruns of '80s precursor to Donnie Brasco and Sopranos, even though Unibrow too whiny as undercover Fed.

JJA: Vinnie Terranova was also pretty whiny behind the scenes, according to some old article I once read. It listed Ken Wahl as one of the most difficult-to-work-with TV stars of the '80s. Although when a camera runs over your foot twice and leaves you in crutches and a cast for half a season, being a dick is understandable.

TVCG: Me Grimlock would bite cameraman if he did that to me Grimlock!

JJA: Are you saddened by the passing of Wiseguy co-creator Stephen J. Cannell?

TVCG: Me Grimlock love A-Team--even though bullets not ever hit anybody on that show. Yeah, big loss when Cannell died. Cannell behind so many badass shows! Cannell got brains like friend Perceptor!

JJA: Yeah, The A-Team can be a fun show, and I always get a kick out of B.A.'s hatred of planes, but I don't think parts of that show have aged well. Nah, I'm more of a Rockford Files guy. I first saw Rockford on DVD and got hooked on that show. That shit's timeless.


TVCG: Me Grimlock think Rockford too wimpy! He hurt hand whenever he throw punch! That never happen to me Grimlock!

JJA: Uh, that kind of was the point of The Rockford Files. He's not invincible. He doesn't have metal claws and razor-sharp teeth.

TVCG: Wimp!

JJA: Are you on Cybertronian crack? Haven't you ever seen Rockfish's ride, the Firebird?

TVCG: It not able to transform into warrior like me Grimlock! Wimp!


JJA: Which of the fall's new shows really stand out?

TVCG: Me Grimlock think Terriers terrific. Broadcast network dramas not on par with current cable dramas, although Hawaii Five-0 and slightly edgier Detroit 1-8-7 both solid "comfort food" dramas. Five-0 seem more like USA show than CBS show. CBS hour-longs usually gloomy and as Perceptor once joked, often named after 12 percent of alphabet.

JJA: "Twelve percent of alphabet." I get it: CSI, NCIS...

TVCG: No one except showrunners of Lone Star--before it cancelled--and The Event itching to make next Lost. That tell you plenty about current scripteds on broadcast networks.

JJA: Whoa, I think somebody's trying to impress Variety. "Scripteds." "Hour-longs." So yeah, not-so-risky procedurals are still the way to go, especially in this economy.

TVCG: Me Grimlock not like! Cable better! More risk-taking! Scripts better written on cable! Characters more complex! Lots of human lady tits for Powerglide to rub nosecone to!

JJA: Thanks for that pleasant image of Powerglide, Grimlock.

TVCG: Me Grimlock not like reality TV, whether on broadcast networks or cable! Slag enjoy that vapid drivel! Me Grimlock battle Slag for command of remote! Slag always watching Real Housewives franchise. If me Grimlock wanna hear ugly bitches argue, me go send Blaster to eavesdrop on Megatron and Starscream.

JJA: Do you think the haters are right about Glee quickly running out of steam like Ryan Murphy's previous show Nip/Tuck did?

TVCG: Me Grimlock not watch Glee.

JJA: Me neither. I'm like Jeff on my current favorite non-cable show Community: "I don't understand the appeal at all!"

TVCG: Glee more something Bumblebee would like. Me Grimlock once caught Bumblebee singing along to Camp Rock 2 soundtrack.

JJA: And that's a good place to end it. Thanks for stepping out of "the dark of the moon" to do this, man, uh, I mean, tyrann.

TVCG: Me Grimlock! King of Twitter! Me not give two stegosaur shits about me having only one Twitter follower!

twitter.com/TVCritGrimlock

Tribeca: Jimmy J. Aquino's Lacuna Matata, Part 1

This is the first in a series of posts I'm calling "Lacuna Matata," in which I attempt to preserve the fading memory of TV shows (or in some cases, comic books) that no one except me remembers watching because the networks somehow Lacuna'd these things from everyone's noggins.

Buried somewhere in my old VHS collection at my parents' house is a tape in shabby condition that contains the Young Indiana Jones Chronicles episode that guest-starred Harrison Ford and the first two episodes of Tribeca, a pretty good, rarely seen 1993 anthology series that was filmed on location in New York and lasted only seven weeks on Fox.

A decade before Robert De Niro and his Tribeca Productions business partner Jane Rosenthal co-founded the Tribeca Film Festival, the two producers used the Lower Manhattan neighborhood as the setting for what was essentially a throwback to the highbrow '50s and '60s TV dramas that were made during "a time when socially-conscious New Yorkers ruled the airwaves," as Maclean's' Jaime J. Weinman describes the New York-centric early years of scripted TV. That somber, East Side/West Side-esque approach meant this anthology drama, which focused on a different Tribeca resident or two each week, fit right in on the Simpsons and Married... with Children network's schedule about as well as Carrie Prejean at an opposite couples pride parade.

There are two things I saw while growing up that made me think to myself, "Wow, despite the cockroaches and occasional muggers, New York ain't such a bad place after all and I want to move there someday": Ghostbusters and Fox's Tribeca. The show also gave me my first glimpse of Kevin Spacey, who guest-starred as a suicidal singer/songwriter--and got to show off his singing voice--in an episode that reunited him with Tribeca showrunner David J. Burke, who previously co-created the classic Wiseguy arc that gave Spacey his big break. Burke's taste for downbeat, untidy endings--a frequent element of his writing on Wiseguy--also gave Tribeca at the time a certain edge over network dramas not called Homicide.

Though it was an anthology show, Tribeca had a two-man regular cast (Philip Bosco as a kindly coffeehouse owner and Joe Morton as an equally kindly patrolman who looked like he came from Law & Order: Mounted Police Unit) and some nice bits of continuity (a character like a homeless war vet played by Stephen Lang would briefly appear one week and then turn up as the main character the following week). Like many other anthologies, Tribeca didn't always hit one out the park, but when it did, it was network TV at its best. The series' strongest episode was the first one, "The Box," which featured a standout Emmy-winning performance by a fresh-off-Boyz N the Hood Laurence Fishburne as a plainclothes cop who's obsessed with both finding the mugger who killed his stockbroker brother (Carl Lumbly) and opening a puzzle box that his brother gave to him before he died.

With its all-black guest cast, "The Box" is also a great 45-minute argument for the need for more network drama series with casts that consist mostly of actors of color. It's a shame that the five networks have been willing to take a chance on all-black sitcoms but not all-black dramas, possibly because of the low ratings of past dramas like Avery Brooks' A Man Called Hawk, James Earl Jones' Under One Roof and Blair Underwood's City of Angels. Sixteen years after its initial broadcast, "The Box" is sadly, still a rarity rather than the norm.

I remember seeing the reclusive De Niro make a surprise appearance in a Fox promo a la John Wayne's 1955 Gunsmoke series premiere intro to get Fox viewers to tune in to his show. No such luck. One other thing I remember about Tribeca was its cool opening and closing theme, an instrumental version of "Keep It Goin'," a James Brown-sampling 1992 track by largely forgotten alt-rap artist and A.V. Club "Least Essential Albums of the '90s" nominee Me Phi Me.

Tribeca is such an obscure series that there are no YouTube clips or .jpgs from the series online (the only pictures that turn up in Google image searches for Tribeca are pics of either De Niro or the neighborhood skyline). So as you listen to the Me Phi Me tune (that is if you can find it online), just stare at the photo of the Tribeca skyline at the top of this post, and you'll get a pretty accurate recreation of the Tribeca opening titles, which consisted of nothing but whip pans across the Tribeca streets and skyline. If you want to see whip pans, just hit yourself in the head with a skillet.

My snarky movie summaries (Part 4)

Previously: Parts 1, 2 and 3.

Red Road
This is an Advance Party Concept film, which means the crew had to abide by a bunch of strict filmmaking rules, much like the Dogme 95 collective: 1) Keep the director away from light. 2) Don't get the director wet. And 3) Whatever you do, never ever feed the director after midnight.

Reign Over Me
Adam Sandler wears a wig that's supposed to evoke Bob Dylan. He looks more like Doctor Who #3 (ask your nerd friend).

Rocky Balboa
The next sequel should pit Rocky against Rambo a la Freddy vs. Jason. Two times the action! Two times the mumbling! It would end up being the first Rocky flick done entirely with subtitles.

Saw IV
Saw IV, patience 0.

A Scanner Darkly
Keanu Reeves hasn't looked this animated since the last Bill & Ted movie.

Scary Movie 4
Leslie Nielsen's naked ass may be the first genuinely scary moment in the history of the Scary Movie franchise.

Scoop
A ghost tips Scarlett Johansson to clues about a serial killer. Why didn't that ghost warn Johansson about the suckitude of The Island?


Severance
It's a movie about that hot chick who played Susan Profitt on Wiseguy.

Shooter
Starring Dick Cheney.

Snakes on a Plane
The eagerly awaited horror flick that pits Samuel L. Jackson against a plane full of William Morris agents.

Starting Out in the Evening
An already disturbing May-December romance between Frank Langella and Lauren Ambrose gets even more disturbing when Ambrose smears honey all over Langella's face. It's like the worst Ohio Players album cover ever.

Three Times
Taiwanese art-house favorite Hou Hsiao-hsien follows three different couples, each in a different time period. In America, we call that an episode of Blind Date.

Transformers
The '80s franchise that allowed Orson Welles to conclude his career with dignity by casting him as a planet-eating lard-ass is back.

Vacancy
A look inside the mind of Jessica Simpson.

Vitus
A six-year-old piano prodigy gets no love. Not even from the ladies. They'd rather get cooties from Zack and Cody.

Volver
The title is Spanish for "to drive a boxy Swedish car."

War Dance
This documentary looks at troubled Ugandan kids who have discovered the power of dance. It's like Footloose, but with music that doesn't suck.

What Would Jesus Buy?
The Christian Broadcasting Network. So that He could take it over like Ted Nugent wanted to do with Muzak and tell Pat Robertson to shut up.

Youth Without Youth
Tim Roth ages backwards after getting struck by lightning. Maybe more Hollywood celebs ought to try standing under lightning if they want to preserve their youth or in the case of Carrot Top, look more like a Gansevoort Street tranny hooker.

Zodiac
Decades before San Francisco was terrorized by one of Jan Wahl's giant hats, there was the Zodiac killer.