The style guide for A Fistful of Soundtracks: The Blog

(Photo source: BACKYard Woods Explorer)

• Titles of songs, album tracks, short stories, TV series episodes, DVD or Blu-ray featurettes and cable channel or radio station programming blocks are always contained within quotation marks. Example from July 29, 2011: The "Rome, Italian Style" block on A Fistful of Soundtracks airs Mondays through Thursdays from 11am to noon. (However, even though Adult Swim is still technically a Cartoon Network programming block, the name isn't contained within quotes because Adult Swim evolved from a single-night block to a larger entity that Nielsen officially recognized as distinct from Cartoon Network in 2005, much like what happened to Nickelodeon's Nick at Nite.)

• Occupations or descriptive adjectives and nouns that appear before people's names are never capitalized. Example: constant self-recycler James Horner.

• Terms like "Filipino American," "Asian American" or "African American," which some writers prefer to hyphenate, are not hyphenated.

• The interpunct that used to be part of the Frito-Lay product name "Chee·tos" is absent whenever Cheetos is mentioned because of Frito-Lay's current official spelling, which removed the interpunct. Example: Why the hell does John Malkovich look like a human Cheeto during Transformers: Dark of the Moon?

• Numbers from one to nine are spelled out. Numbers above nine are written as figures (10, 11, 12, etc.) but are spelled out whenever they're the first words in sentences.

• The movie title Se7en and the procedural title Numb3rs maintain their unique spelling even though it looks stup1d.

• If a person is a Jr. or Sr., there is no comma between the name and Jr. or Sr. Example from January 13, 2009: Downey Jr. never drops character until the commentary is over.

• An ellipsis indicates a hammy pause. Example: "Dammit, Bones... this girdle you gave me for... my birthday... is too... constricting."

• Titles of movies, TV series, radio programs, podcasts, books, comic book series, magazines and newspapers are always italicized.

• Cardassians are whores for fascism. Kardashians are whores for attention.

(Photo source: Overthinking It)

• Names of online magazines like Salon and Slate are italicized. Names of blogs like DISGRASIAN, Burnt Lumpia and MovieMorlocks are not italicized.

• A Corolla is a car I damaged while driving it when I was a teen. A Carolla is a racist douchebag whose ass will get damaged by a gang of Pinoy teens if he ever sets foot in Daly City.

• Names of races and nationalities like African, Latino and Filipino are capitalized, but racial adjectives like "black," "white" and "brown" are not.

• "Sit for Baines" is a Back to the Future prequel fanfic about teenage George McFly's bumbling attempts to get to better know his crush Lorraine Baines by babysitting her younger brothers. "Shit for brains" is Fox News whenever it refers to Common as a gangsta rapper.

• Though this is an American blog and the word "license" is always spelled with just one "c," the British spelling of the 007 movie title Licence to Kill is left unchanged.

• "Michele Bachmann" is spelled with just one glassy "i."

"Rome, Italian Style" Track of the Day: Goldfrapp, "Lovely Head"

Song: "Lovely Head" by Goldfrapp
Released: 2000
Why's it part of the "Rome, Italian Style" playlist?: Trouser Press came up with a good shorthand description for "Lovely Head," the first single off the duo Goldfrapp's debut album Felt Mountain: "If Lee Van Cleef had ever romanced Shirley Bassey, 'Lovely Head,' which sounds like a score in search of a Sergio Leone film, would have been their song."

Ennio Morricone's influence on Alison Goldfrapp and Will Gregory, which they acknowledged in the Felt Mountain liner notes with their shout-outs to Morricone and Leone, is most evident in "Lovely Head." There's whistling, harpsichords, percussion reminiscent of Il Maestro's Sicilian Clan main title theme and a vocal effect that's as bizarre as the coyote howls in the Good, the Bad and the Ugly score, but it's more of a Goldfrapp touch than a Morricone touch. Goldfrapp, who provides the whistling during "Lovely Head," makes her voice sound remarkably like a theremin(*), with the help of a synthesizer that distorts her vocals (her theremin-like howls also turn up during another Felt Mountain cut and "Rome, Italian Style" Track of the Day, "Pilots").

(*) In his intro for the TCM Essentials Jr. broadcast of the theremin-filled Thing from Another World a couple of days ago, host Bill Hader said, "Transformers would be so much better with a theremin." True that.

"Lovely Head" also channels the grandiose sound of the secondary themes John Barry composed for either 007's love interests or the foreign destinations where 007 would shag those love interests. The Bondian strings and drums of "Lovely Head" inspired a YouTuber to replace "All Time High," one of Barry's weakest Bond ballads, with "Lovely Head" in the Octopussy opening titles.

TV Critic Grimlock gets an unexpected reply from some guy who makes TV shows

Shawn Ryan--creator of The Shield and Fox's upcoming Ride-Along The Chicago Code and producer of what has to be my favorite new fall show, the FX private eye drama Terriers--retweeted TV Critic Grimlock last night, and as a result, Grimmy's followership, which has been as tiny as his arms, experienced a wee bit of a spike. Congratulations, Grim!

TV Critic Grimlock is the new definitive voice of TV criticism, so move over, Tom Shales--that is if you can move that hefty ass of yours

In just 50 or so tweets, Grimlock the Dinobot has emerged as a new insightful voice in the often stuffy and annoyingly middlebrow field of TV criticism. Nobody--not even the witty recappers over at the Onion-owned A.V. Club or the refreshingly not-so-stuffy, comic book-loving Alan Sepinwall--has enlivened coverage of the new fall TV season quite like the belligerent tyrannosaur has:

"me grimlock liked when grace park in bikini punched out surfer on five-0. hottest entrance since julie warner skinny-dip in doc hollywood!" (Tuesday, October 05, 2010 8:06 PM)

"me grimlock not miss rick sanchez. sesame street newsflash reporter kermit frog: he more credible journalist than rick sanchez." (Tuesday, October 05, 2010 8:00 PM)

"me grimlock not into unfunny nbc sitcom outsourced. me wish that call center get torched by mumbai gangsters in final episode." (Wednesday, October 06, 2010 11:45 AM)

"me grimlock not masturbate to fox news ladies because they sound so hateful and whiny like starscream." (Wednesday, October 06, 2010 11:41 AM)

I haven't been this riveted by the thoughts of a writer who's discussing TV since the time Armond White implied he wanted to spoon with Keller from Oz.

So what if TV Critic Grimlock, who launched his Twitter page with my help last Sunday (@TVCritGrimlock), has only one follower? Some talented writers are at their most interesting when they're a best-kept secret--or before they jump the shark, to borrow a TV-related phrase that, now that I've finally thought about it, is kind of as tiresome a term as "BFF" or "bromance."

From the Autobot homebase known as the Ark, Grimlock took some time out of his busy TV-watching schedule to discuss the fall season and the animosity towards Optimus Prime (and Dinobot teammate Slag and anyone who's a Decepticon) that occasionally seeps into his tweets, which always look e.e. cummings-esque because Grimlock doesn't quite understand the purpose of the Caps Lock key. To make this Q&A less irritating to read, all of Grimlock's words have been properly cased.


Jimmy J. Aquino: TV Critic Grimlock, do I have to include the "TV Critic" when I address you? Can't I just address you as simply Grimlock or "Grimmy" or "Grimbo" or "Mista Grim" or "Claws Up, 'Lock Down"?

TV Critic Grimlock: Me Grimlock not care! Just like how Optimus not care that his management style become too soft and antiquated for me Grimlock.

JJA: Wow, you just really can't let that beef with Optimus go, can you, Rex-n-Effect? Even after everything Optimus has done for you and your Dinobots here on Earth?

TVCG: Optimus remind me Grimlock of Colosimo in Boardwalk Empire! Optimus lacking ambition! You remember what happen to Colosimo at end of Boardwalk Empire series premiere? Me Grimlock not need to say more.

JJA: You do know you just basically said that Optimus' days are num...

TVCG: Me Grimlock not wish to comment anymore on that. Move on.


JJA: Boardwalk Empire has been well-received within the TV critic community, but you said, "3 episodes in, and me grimlock still wondering if boardwalk empire gonna be scorsese's berlin alexanderplatz or scorsese's seaquest dsv." Aren't you being just as impatient as the broadcast network execs whose constant tinkering in the development of their scripted shows is something HBO has been careful to avoid with its scripted shows?

TVCG: Huh? Me Grimlock not completely follow question. Slow down for me Grimlock.

JJA: You dug The Wire and The Sopranos, right? The Wire didn't get cooking until the fourth episode, when McNulty and Bunk exchanged nothing but F-bombs at the crime scene, and then we knew this wasn't going to be another banal procedural. The Sopranos' first really interesting ep wasn't the pilot. It was when Tony took Meadow on a college road trip, which sounded dull on paper but was riveting because of the artful way the innocuous trip was juxtaposed with Tony's murderous side. Because there's very little pressure to talk down to their viewers and hold their hands and cup their balls, HBO dramas unfold slowly. That's what I think Boardwalk Empire showrunner Terence Winter--a former Sopranos staffer--is doing with his new show.

TVCG: Me Grimlock enjoy certain aspects of Boardwalk--especially full-frontal Paz de la Huerta nudenessness--but at times, me Grimlock feel like been there, done that. Some part of me Grimlock feel like HBO doing another gangster show kind of not up to post-Sopranos HBO standards. AMC and FX original programs more interesting than HBO output these days. Look at biggest hit on HBO right now: vampire version of old '80s HBO softcore porn show The Hitchhiker, but with 10 times less Canadians and 10 times more gay sex? Come on, HBO, step game up.

JJA: But I think most of HBO's scripted comedies have been pretty above average. I was glad for Eastbound & Down's return the moment when Ana de la Reguera slowly shook her ass and did the best version of "Night Moves" ever. What are some examples of AMC and FX original programming that you think are putting HBO to shame right now?

TVCG: Me Grimlock blown away by Breaking Bad! Although Walt remind me Grimlock too much of Optimus when he deal with Jesse, so me not like Walt so much. Me root for Jesse to someday overpower Optimus... I mean... Walt. Mad Men in top form now that storylines headed towards turbulent late '60s. HBO original series department on crack when they rejected Mad Men.

On FX side, me Grimlock into Justified, It Always Sunny and Terriers. Me Grimlock thought at first that Terriers too much like breezy, lighthearted USA detective show, but then me surprised by dark Shield-like turn early on. Me bet that dark turn due to presence of Shawn Ryan. Lights Out trailer on FX badass. Me Grimlock look forward to Lights Out.


JJA: Louie has been excellent. I'm glad Louie will be coming back to FX, as well as Archer.

TVCG: Me enjoy Archer even though it could use more Dinobots in cast. Archer need more diversity in cast. Maybe in season two, Archer writing staff get Dinobot to seduce Lana on undercover mission.

JJA: You Grimlock wanna hit that, right?

TVCG: Me Grimlock like! Lana's man-hands not bother me Grimlock!

JJA: But Tom Shales bothers you. You tweeted that you "wanna rip apart velma from scooby-doo lookalike tom shales. any critic who frequently attack daily show gonna get bit by me."

TVCG: Jonny Stew funny! Tom Shales? Funny-looking!

JJA: Well, you are aware that Shales has always been Team SNL, right?

TVCG: He also hate Wiseguy. Me Grimlock not understand why Shales never like it. Me Grimlock used to enjoy reruns of '80s precursor to Donnie Brasco and Sopranos, even though Unibrow too whiny as undercover Fed.

JJA: Vinnie Terranova was also pretty whiny behind the scenes, according to some old article I once read. It listed Ken Wahl as one of the most difficult-to-work-with TV stars of the '80s. Although when a camera runs over your foot twice and leaves you in crutches and a cast for half a season, being a dick is understandable.

TVCG: Me Grimlock would bite cameraman if he did that to me Grimlock!

JJA: Are you saddened by the passing of Wiseguy co-creator Stephen J. Cannell?

TVCG: Me Grimlock love A-Team--even though bullets not ever hit anybody on that show. Yeah, big loss when Cannell died. Cannell behind so many badass shows! Cannell got brains like friend Perceptor!

JJA: Yeah, The A-Team can be a fun show, and I always get a kick out of B.A.'s hatred of planes, but I don't think parts of that show have aged well. Nah, I'm more of a Rockford Files guy. I first saw Rockford on DVD and got hooked on that show. That shit's timeless.


TVCG: Me Grimlock think Rockford too wimpy! He hurt hand whenever he throw punch! That never happen to me Grimlock!

JJA: Uh, that kind of was the point of The Rockford Files. He's not invincible. He doesn't have metal claws and razor-sharp teeth.

TVCG: Wimp!

JJA: Are you on Cybertronian crack? Haven't you ever seen Rockfish's ride, the Firebird?

TVCG: It not able to transform into warrior like me Grimlock! Wimp!


JJA: Which of the fall's new shows really stand out?

TVCG: Me Grimlock think Terriers terrific. Broadcast network dramas not on par with current cable dramas, although Hawaii Five-0 and slightly edgier Detroit 1-8-7 both solid "comfort food" dramas. Five-0 seem more like USA show than CBS show. CBS hour-longs usually gloomy and as Perceptor once joked, often named after 12 percent of alphabet.

JJA: "Twelve percent of alphabet." I get it: CSI, NCIS...

TVCG: No one except showrunners of Lone Star--before it cancelled--and The Event itching to make next Lost. That tell you plenty about current scripteds on broadcast networks.

JJA: Whoa, I think somebody's trying to impress Variety. "Scripteds." "Hour-longs." So yeah, not-so-risky procedurals are still the way to go, especially in this economy.

TVCG: Me Grimlock not like! Cable better! More risk-taking! Scripts better written on cable! Characters more complex! Lots of human lady tits for Powerglide to rub nosecone to!

JJA: Thanks for that pleasant image of Powerglide, Grimlock.

TVCG: Me Grimlock not like reality TV, whether on broadcast networks or cable! Slag enjoy that vapid drivel! Me Grimlock battle Slag for command of remote! Slag always watching Real Housewives franchise. If me Grimlock wanna hear ugly bitches argue, me go send Blaster to eavesdrop on Megatron and Starscream.

JJA: Do you think the haters are right about Glee quickly running out of steam like Ryan Murphy's previous show Nip/Tuck did?

TVCG: Me Grimlock not watch Glee.

JJA: Me neither. I'm like Jeff on my current favorite non-cable show Community: "I don't understand the appeal at all!"

TVCG: Glee more something Bumblebee would like. Me Grimlock once caught Bumblebee singing along to Camp Rock 2 soundtrack.

JJA: And that's a good place to end it. Thanks for stepping out of "the dark of the moon" to do this, man, uh, I mean, tyrann.

TVCG: Me Grimlock! King of Twitter! Me not give two stegosaur shits about me having only one Twitter follower!

twitter.com/TVCritGrimlock

Reefer Madness live-tweet recap

On 420, I live-tweeted the original 1936 version of Reefer Madness. The movie's so boring I wanted to jump out the window like that overacting pot dealer lady at the end.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------


In a few minutes, I'm live-tweeting Reefer Madness. I haven't heard Nelson/Murphy/Corbett's RiffTrax of it. I bet it's hilarious.
12:01 PM Apr 20th via web

#ReeferMadnessLiveTweet starts now. This propaganda piece is apparently a classic in the drug-scare genre.
12:05 PM Apr 20th via web

The movie paved the way for such drug-scare gems as the Dragnet "Blue Boy" episode and the Quincy punk episode.
12:06 PM Apr 20th via web

The Quincy punk episode? Yeah, punk isn't a drug, but...
12:06 PM Apr 20th via web

... Jack Klugman, at his most self-indulgent and toupeed, preaches against punk as if it's a drug.
12:07 PM Apr 20th via web

MTV now reruns movies like the Star Wars prequels and The Matrix. But back when the channel was about videos...
12:07 PM Apr 20th via web

... this public-domain piece of shit was the only movie MTV could afford to broadcast.
12:08 PM Apr 20th via web

The opening credits begin. "Marihuana is that drug--a violent narcotic..." Just like cokane and hairrowhen.
12:09 PM Apr 20th via web

"Marihuana" finally leads to "acts of shocking violence"? Someone is feeding you bad intel, opening credits guy.
12:10 PM Apr 20th via web

A violent stoner is like a black Gossip Girl viewer. They don't exist.
12:10 PM Apr 20th via web

Pineapple Express shows what it's like if stoners try to get violent. As action heroes, they're the clumsiest.
12:11 PM Apr 20th via web

Reefer Madness, a.k.a. Tell Your Children, opens with the ugliest credits font ever.
12:11 PM Apr 20th via web

The ugly credits font is a cross between church bingo sign writing and the Dukes of Hazzard font.
12:12 PM Apr 20th via web

The opening crawl goes on forever. A stoner was probably responsible for the speed of the opening crawl.
12:13 PM Apr 20th via web


The exciting PTA meeting sequence influenced similar PTA meeting sequences in The French Connection and Ronin.
12:15 PM Apr 20th via web

Drink every time you hear the word "scourge."
12:16 PM Apr 20th via web

What is this? Fox News? The principal creepily repeats phrases like a Republican pundit.
12:18 PM Apr 20th via web

"Scourge." "Deadly narcotic." "Deadly drug." Get a thesaurus, motherfucker!
12:19 PM Apr 20th via web

When I hear the word "scourge," weed doesn't come to mind. What comes to mind is the Decepticon who had a beard.
12:19 PM Apr 20th via web

How did Scourge and Wreck-Gar grow facial hair? Was that the Transformer gods' equivalent of the platypus?
12:20 PM Apr 20th via web

The principal is doing Adam Sandler's "You can put your weed in there" shtick from Rob Schneider's The Hot Chick.
12:20 PM Apr 20th via web

"They are hidden inside jewelry cases, in the heels of shoes, women's shoes especially."
12:21 PM Apr 20th via web

The principal with the weird accent looks like the type of guy who's got a fetish for collecting women's shoes.
12:22 PM Apr 20th via web

Female weed dealers didn't look like Mary-Louise Parker back then.
12:24 PM Apr 20th via web

Female dealers in the 1930s looked like the butterface from Peanuts who brags about her naturally curly hair.
12:24 PM Apr 20th via web

Instead of MILF Weed, the movie's female dealer is selling MIWF Weed, as in Mama I Won't Fuck.
12:24 PM Apr 20th via web


The shots of the butterface slipping on her stockings were tacked onto the movie by an exploitation producer.
12:25 PM Apr 20th via web

The movie was originally funded by a church group. I bet the sight of the dealer chick's bare knees infuriated them.
12:25 PM Apr 20th via web

The director's idea of a scandalous opium den-like hangout is the Ricardos' living room from I Love Lucy.
12:26 PM Apr 20th via web

A teen warns his friend that Ralph the leering, very Aryan-looking pothead is "a little too old for us."
12:29 PM Apr 20th via web

Ralph's first scenes are dripping with Top Gun-like homoerotic tension.
12:29 PM Apr 20th via web

The camera is obsessed with Ralph and his friends' asses as they walk to the diner.
12:30 PM Apr 20th via web

The camera must be omnisexual like Captain Jack. It leers at ladies' stockings and checks out guys' asses.
12:30 PM Apr 20th via web

The diner is the whitest hangout I've ever seen. It's a Denny's employee's wet dream.
12:31 PM Apr 20th via web

If these ragtime piano-playing diner folks were really potheads, the music wouldn't suck so much.
12:32 PM Apr 20th via web


The movie traces how chronic ruins the life of 40-year-old high school student Bill Harper.
12:33 PM Apr 20th via web

'Cause day n' night/The dorky stoner won't stop saying "swell" tonight.
12:34 PM Apr 20th via web

Bill and his boo horrendously recite Romeo and Juliet to each other. The Bard is doing a pinwheel in his grave.
12:34 PM Apr 20th via web

"I'll buy you a soda." Bill says, "I never drink that stuff!" Bill prefers the blood of young virgins.
12:37 PM Apr 20th via web


Bill's new homies are the least convincing movie potheads ever. The actors flunked Fake Inhaling 101.
12:41 PM Apr 20th via web

The terrible acting reminds me of the late Mitch Hedberg's bit about movie pot: http://bit.ly/9fIITN
12:42 PM Apr 20th via web

I wish Method or Redman or @johnthecho or Kal Penn or Cheech or Chong would show up to liven up this movie...
12:42 PM Apr 20th via web

... because without cheeba, this movie is boring and not the campy wild ride everyone makes it out to be.
12:43 PM Apr 20th via web

The movie's public-domain status has resulted in a few colorized or re-edited versions.
12:44 PM Apr 20th via web

Maybe this movie would be more watchable with a new soundtrack provided by Redman, Cypress Hill or Lil Wayne.
12:44 PM Apr 20th via web

I'd re-edit the movie so that Bill gets high to the sounds of "Kush" by Lil Wayne: http://bit.ly/dvSZvA
12:45 PM Apr 20th via web

"Hit and Run" by the Bar-Kays would be great for the scene where a stoner kisses an old man with his car hood.
12:46 PM Apr 20th via web

This film says weed makes you a speedy driver. Yeah, that's as likely as Leno giving up The Tonight Show.
12:46 PM Apr 20th via web

After the apocalypse, all that'll be left are cockroaches and Leno, carrying a mic and testing the roaches' I.Q.
12:47 PM Apr 20th via web

Post-apocalyptic Leno: "So Mr. Cockroach, can you tell me who the cockroach in this picture is?"
12:48 PM Apr 20th via web

So when the anti-pot principal suffers from glaucoma, how's he gonna treat it? With optic nerve restoration tonic?
12:49 PM Apr 20th via web

Nothing says teenage rebellion like ragtime piano.
12:50 PM Apr 20th via web

In addition to making you drive faster, mary jane also turns you into a rapist.
12:57 PM Apr 20th via web

If this were real life, Ralph would be in no shape to get it up. This movie gets so many details right.
12:57 PM Apr 20th via web


Attempted rape. Fistfights. Gunshots. In 2010, this is what's known as a Jersey Shore cast party.
12:58 PM Apr 20th via web

Jack: "She's dead. Mae, get me some water." Jack, this ain't the time to show off your corpse ventriloquism act.
12:58 PM Apr 20th via web

Bill: "Mary! Mary!" I keep expecting him to next say, "You want the moon, Mary? I'll throw a lasso around it..."
1:00 PM Apr 20th via web

The creepy anti-pot principal keeps looking at the camera. He's trying to take over the viewer's soul.
1:04 PM Apr 20th via web

"It causes errors in time & space." Someone should write a sci-fi movie about blunts that can make you time-travel.
1:08 PM Apr 20th via web


Ralph's crazed Michelle Bachman-esque expressions are the most disturbing thing about this movie.
1:16 PM Apr 20th via web

The shitty print I'm watching suddenly doesn't have the audio in sync with the image.
1:16 PM Apr 20th via web

The out-of-sync audio makes Reefer Madness look like a dubbed kung fu flick.
1:18 PM Apr 20th via web

It looks like Jack is going to say to Ralph, "For someone who's a Shaolin monk, your kung fu's really lousy!"
1:19 PM Apr 20th via web


The movie has turned into a tedious courtroom drama with a bit of '80s Divorce Court-caliber overacting.
1:23 PM Apr 20th via web


The principal reminds the viewers to "Tell Your Children." About what? That you look like a registered sex offender?
1:29 PM Apr 20th via web


The Kristen Bell version of Reefer Madness is probably something the original version is not: watchable. End of #ReeferMadnessLiveTweet.
1:30 PM Apr 20th via web

A sneak preview of The Palace: Theatre of Crud by Jimmy J. Aquino

The 14-part Theatre of Crud arc is the next arc of my webcomic The Palace, and it's coming soon to this blog. All 14 strips will be single-panel. As with all other arcs, I'll be posting one strip per day.

Letterer Janice Chiang's old Transformers comic word balloon shapes, which were boxy with sparks emanating from the corners to distinguish the robot characters from the human ones, influenced my boxy word balloon for the talking digital camera in the strip below. Day four of Theatre of Crud refers to a certain jozjozjoz.com post that was brought to my attention by a Time.com article last week.

The Palace: Death to Skinny Jeans begins Monday and concludes December 28

As with all other arcs of the Palace webcomic, which I've written and illustrated from time to time since 2008, I'll be posting one strip per day for an entire week. I wanted to post the latest arc last week, but I had to make a last-minute change to a script for one particular strip. I scrapped that strip's original sight gag because the subject of that gag--Skids, half of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen's pair of Amos n' Andybots--was just too difficult for me to recreate in pencil and ink. Thanks a lot, Transformers sequel character designers, for making your bots so damn difficult to draw.

(I miss the Boondocks comic strip so much. I wonder how Aaron McGruder would have immediately reacted to Skids and Mudflap. And I wonder if he'll reference them in the Boondocks animated series' forthcoming third season.)

So because of that last-minute change, The Palace's new arc will unfold this Christmas Week, even though the arc isn't exactly Christmassy. But it references some of the most infamous moments involving America's favorite pastime of insulting Asian Americans, race, pop music and fashion in the past year, so I guess it is a good time to post the arc because many of the sites I click to are currently posting their year-end (or in the cases of The A.V. Club and The Playlist, decade-end) wrap-ups.

During this arc, I realized I draw best when I'm hearing music in the background. My computer is broken, and my iPod Nano appears to be on its last legs, so I've had to flip XM's alt-rock, hip-hop and R&B stations on while drawing the latest arc. "Empire State of Mind" does wonders for my illustrator's block. Now that's what I call a banger.

Asian action filmmakers: Nobody does it better

I finally saw Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen via Netflix last week because I wasn't interested in watching it in the theater, where I would have been subjected to Devastator's testicles and the close-up of John Turturro's naked asscheeks in IMAX. Michael Bay's six-hour orgy of military hardware porn, incomprehensible action sequences, overdesigned CG characters and unfunny gags about dogs and black people makes both the mediocre first live-action Transformers film and 2009's other Hasbro-inspired blockbuster, the equally mediocre G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, look like Shakespeare. (Film Freak Central's Walter Chaw put it best when he said Revenge of the Fallen, which includes an inane swipe at Obama, is "so last administration.") Revenge of the Fallen was so unentertaining and racist I had to seek relief in a Johnnie To flick, even though it's a film To only co-directed (with Wai Ka-Fai, whom To generously credited as being the primary mastermind): 2007's Mad Detective, which made its American TV premiere during the Sundance Channel's "Asia Extreme" block last weekend.

The incredibly prolific To, who often directs two or three films per year, is my current favorite action filmmaker. Like most other Asian action filmmakers, To shoots action coherently, favors stillness over fast-cutting and hyperactive camerawork and makes me invested in the characters in his set pieces. He's the anti-Michael Bay. When I'm watching a To action sequence, I know I'm not going to be ever saying to myself the following words like I did during any of the live-action Transformers movies' robot fights: "Hold up. Is that supposed to be his foot or his elbow?" To is more consistent than John Woo (whose latest joint Red Cliff I'm looking forward to seeing because many reviewers have said it's his best work since Face/Off) and as skilled at tackling various genres as Howard Hawks was. Unlike Woo, To hasn't made the jump to Hollywood. I'm glad he has stayed put in Hong Kong because the Hollywood suits would most likely attempt to dilute To's work, tinker with his preference for long takes and dark, understated humor and throw him off his game.

Satires about cops and criminals manipulating the media have been a tired genre (Natural Born Killers, 15 Minutes), but To's Breaking News, from its amazing single-take opening shootout to its beautifully drawn characters (especially during the dinner cooking sequence), made the genre interesting again. Just when I thought I was out of the gangster genre after the demise of The Sopranos, To's Election movies pulled me back in. My favorite To flick, The Mission, a tersely written actioner about a group of bored and bickering Triad bodyguards, and its unofficial sequel Exiled are what the Mission: Impossible feature films should have been in the first place: great ensemble pieces in the mold of Seven Samurai, The Great Escape and The Dirty Dozen.

Even when To isn't working in total action mode, like in the cerebral Mad Detective, where the gunplay doesn't erupt until the end of the movie, the result is a more exciting film than the tepid, bloated and uninvolving Revenge of the Fallen.


I don't want to give too much of Mad Detective away for those who have never heard of it because the movie, which I highly recommend, is best enjoyed by knowing very little about it in advance like I did. All I can say is it's about a Hong Kong police detective (Andy On) who partners up with a mentally ill ex-profiler (Lau Ching Wan) to track down a missing cop. Lethal Weapon-esque hijinks do not ensue. Mad Detective is more reminiscent of small-screen whodunit procedurals like Life, the American version of Touching Evil, Monk and Law & Order: Criminal Intent, where the genius detective also happens to be a bit of a nutcase. But in Mad Detective, ex-Inspector Bun, who keeps his shirts buttoned all the way to the top like Monk, is even more batshit crazy than the heroes of those procedurals. The way Mad Detective visualizes Bun's powers of observation is the film's cleverest touch and a great example of why Asian action directors like To continually surpass their testicle joke-loving American counterparts.

Transformers: Revenge of The Onion

Here's the best one-paragraph summary of Michael Bay's Transformers I've ever come across (while reading the A.V. Club):

Everyone complaining that Michael Bay's 2007 blockbuster Transformers had inappropriate sexual contact with their childhoods is forgetting one thing: The original '80s cartoon had an awful lot of problems too, starting with wildly inconsistent animation and some pretty basic '80s cartoon plots, in which the bad guys engaged in generally harebrained schemes unworthy of titanic alien-robot forces of destruction. That said, Bay's movie should have been a slam-dunk in the "scary robots" department, simply by virtue of introducing giant, homicidal, heavily armed metal men to Earth. Instead, much like Lucas in Phantom Menace, Bay went for goofy designs and goofier behavior. His Autobots and Decepticons look like unassembled, building-sized Erector sets, and their use of already-dated human slang and contemporary references, plus the generally insipid, adolescent tone of the movie, robbed them of all majesty and menace. And hey, more of them are on the way this summer.

It's as if the A.V. Club read my mind. The '80s Transformers cartoon's animation was choppier than whatever the ShamWow guy does to his nuts.

My snarky movie summaries (Part 4)

Previously: Parts 1, 2 and 3.

Red Road
This is an Advance Party Concept film, which means the crew had to abide by a bunch of strict filmmaking rules, much like the Dogme 95 collective: 1) Keep the director away from light. 2) Don't get the director wet. And 3) Whatever you do, never ever feed the director after midnight.

Reign Over Me
Adam Sandler wears a wig that's supposed to evoke Bob Dylan. He looks more like Doctor Who #3 (ask your nerd friend).

Rocky Balboa
The next sequel should pit Rocky against Rambo a la Freddy vs. Jason. Two times the action! Two times the mumbling! It would end up being the first Rocky flick done entirely with subtitles.

Saw IV
Saw IV, patience 0.

A Scanner Darkly
Keanu Reeves hasn't looked this animated since the last Bill & Ted movie.

Scary Movie 4
Leslie Nielsen's naked ass may be the first genuinely scary moment in the history of the Scary Movie franchise.

Scoop
A ghost tips Scarlett Johansson to clues about a serial killer. Why didn't that ghost warn Johansson about the suckitude of The Island?


Severance
It's a movie about that hot chick who played Susan Profitt on Wiseguy.

Shooter
Starring Dick Cheney.

Snakes on a Plane
The eagerly awaited horror flick that pits Samuel L. Jackson against a plane full of William Morris agents.

Starting Out in the Evening
An already disturbing May-December romance between Frank Langella and Lauren Ambrose gets even more disturbing when Ambrose smears honey all over Langella's face. It's like the worst Ohio Players album cover ever.

Three Times
Taiwanese art-house favorite Hou Hsiao-hsien follows three different couples, each in a different time period. In America, we call that an episode of Blind Date.

Transformers
The '80s franchise that allowed Orson Welles to conclude his career with dignity by casting him as a planet-eating lard-ass is back.

Vacancy
A look inside the mind of Jessica Simpson.

Vitus
A six-year-old piano prodigy gets no love. Not even from the ladies. They'd rather get cooties from Zack and Cody.

Volver
The title is Spanish for "to drive a boxy Swedish car."

War Dance
This documentary looks at troubled Ugandan kids who have discovered the power of dance. It's like Footloose, but with music that doesn't suck.

What Would Jesus Buy?
The Christian Broadcasting Network. So that He could take it over like Ted Nugent wanted to do with Muzak and tell Pat Robertson to shut up.

Youth Without Youth
Tim Roth ages backwards after getting struck by lightning. Maybe more Hollywood celebs ought to try standing under lightning if they want to preserve their youth or in the case of Carrot Top, look more like a Gansevoort Street tranny hooker.

Zodiac
Decades before San Francisco was terrorized by one of Jan Wahl's giant hats, there was the Zodiac killer.