The Batman vs. Wackula

(Photo source: Dean Trippe)

I don't care for Twilight. Neither does the Twitterer known as The Goddamn Batman. And now, here are the best of The Batman's 140-character tirades against a vampire who's so goddamn banal he makes The Count from Sesame Street look intimidating.

June 24, 2010

June 30, 2010

July 2, 2010

June 5, 2011

November 15, 2011

November 16, 2011

UPDATE: November 17, 2011 (this tweet appeared a couple of hours after I first published the post)

"Grandpa, tell us the story again about the man whose life got flipped, turned upside down": 10 amusing tweets related to TV theme music

--recent New York Times Magazine profile subject and Office star/writer Mindy Kaling

--Patton Oswalt and A.V. Club writer Noel Murray on TCM's TV ratings graphics music

--Patton Oswalt and John Fugelsang on CSI and The Who

--God_Damn_Batman

--fake lyrics for the instrumental theme from The Good Life, a.k.a. Good Neighbors, the subject of one of The Young Ones' funniest Vyvyan scenes:

--Jonah Hill, looking into the future

--New York Daily News writer Josh Greenman on the July 31, 2011 debt debate

--HitFix's SNL and Fringe recapper Ryan McGee

You can now like A Fistful of Soundtracks on Facebook

The first Spider-Man movie's closing credits deserved better too.

Although Facebook has its moments (like the girl's reaction to her mom's adult-contemporary ambush on the troops in the above snapshot), it can also be an aggravating place to be, as Kimberly from Cinebeats and TCM has astutely noted a few times on her Twitter. I think Jeannie Gaffigan, the wife of comedian Jim Gaffigan, put it best when she tweeted, "Facebook is like a big high school yearbook that never stops being signed."

I may find Facebook to be annoying for various reasons, but I know there are a few people on that site who listen to A Fistful of Soundtracks, so after about a year of hesitating, I launched a Facebook page for AFOS on July 1.

Drop by the new page and hit the "Like" button and maybe say hola. But don't go to the wall just to tell me I should remove a track you hate from an AFOS playlist. I'm not a fan of requests for me to delete a piece of music and I always ignore those requests. It's part of the playlist because I goddamn like it. I'm not going to yank it from rotation just because only poor little you can't stand it.

Speaking of disliking things, why doesn't Facebook have a "Dislike" button? Am I not allowed to dislike things over there? It's like a site run by The Care Bears, for fook's sake.

Empire Records live-tweet recap (because today is Record Store Day)

(Photo source: Matt Ranzetta)

During the week Record Store Day 2010 took place, I live-tweeted Empire Records, which is set at a record store and seems to turn up on cable at least once every week. The movie is at its best when it pokes fun at washed-up soap stars/pop singers and sticks to being a relaxed comedy about working at a record store. At its worst, Empire Records is like a lousy and overdramatic Canadian teen soap that wouldn't look out of place on TeenNick.

Today is Record Store Day 2011, so I'm reposting my tweets about Empire Records.

(If you're not reading this on Record Store Day, this live-tweet recap can function as textual commentary that you can refer to while Empire Records is playing on TV. Sometimes, a certain movie I like will turn up on TV, and I want to see what someone else wrote about the movie, so I'll open an article or Wikipedia entry or IMDb trivia page about the movie that I had saved onto my laptop.)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Frigging Rex Manning Day. In a few minutes, I'm live-tweeting the #EmpireRecords: Remix! Special Fan Edition DVD, which came out in 2003.
12:05 PM

I'm a few minutes late. I'm on SuperStation TBS time.
12:06 PM

The Warner logo means the #EmpireRecords: Remix! Special Fan Edition live-tweet starts now. Why live-tweet a DVD that dropped 7 years ago?
12:09 PM

#EmpireRecords has things in it I like (particularly some of the songs and the fake Rex Manning music) and things I can't stand.
12:10 PM

The things I can't stand during #EmpireRecords (or as I like to call the film, Car Wash for alt-rockers) make it worthy of a live-tweet.
12:10 PM

When I started writing the webcomic The Palace, which is set at an indie theater, I told myself I must avoid the cliches of #EmpireRecords.
12:11 PM

The movie is an example of fun premise/sloppy execution (all that shit happens to the staffers in one day?).
12:11 PM

The movie flings dramatic crises at you with all the precision of a chimp flinging his poop at zoo-goers.
12:11 PM

This is the kind of movie where dunking a teen's head in the sink will make her diet pill addiction magically disappear.
12:13 PM

The midnight customer lady says, "Ugh, I couldn't look at Letterman's face for another second." Must be a fucking Leno fan.
12:13 PM

"Ugh, I couldn't look at Letterman's face for another second." I bet she masturbates over Leno's freakish-looking chin.
12:14 PM

Though he's much funnier than Leno, Letterman's no prize either. 11:35 network TV show hosting is for ugly rich people.
12:15 PM

I like the soundtracks of Allan Moyle's movies more than the movies themselves.
12:15 PM

"A Girl Like You" from the #EmpireRecords CD was my theme tune for when I tried to spit game at some hot UCSC neighbor chick in 1995.
12:15 PM

I'm the Edwyn Collins of skirtchasing. I'm a one-hit wonder.
12:16 PM

Rory Cochrane's Zen troublemaker Lucas is one of the few movie characters who can pull off a Spock haircut.
12:16 PM

As the opening credits roll, I have no idea which scenes Warner Bros. added to the theatrical cut in 2003.
12:16 PM

I think one of the added scenes is Lucas weeping for V'Ger as he would for a brother.
12:18 PM

Hey, it's Carey Mulligan. Woops, nope, my bad. It's a young Ethan Embry.
12:19 PM

Ethan Embry from Showtime's Brotherhood (back when he was known as Ethan Randall) plays Shaggy, uh, I mean, Mark.
12:20 PM

Showtime's Brotherhood. I think I bought an EP release by that band once.
12:20 PM

Showtime's Brotherhood sounds like some band that once opened for Jane's Addiction or... K's Choice or... Eve's Plum.
12:21 PM

Hard to believe that Mark and the cop in Brotherhood were played by the same guy.
12:21 PM

Liv Tyler's car scene is shot to look exactly like her Aerosmith video with Alicia Silverstone, in case we forget who Liv is.
12:22 PM

I like how Anthony LaPaglia doesn't give a shit about A.J.'s problems. It's Jack Malone: The Record Store Years.
12:23 PM

Jack Malone was an undercover Fed who posed as Joe, a Delaware record store owner, before he transferred to Missing Persons.
12:23 PM

Agent Malone's assignment was to investigate why Delaware record store employees keep dancing and never seem to do any work.
12:23 PM

A.J. shouts, "A little bit of focus would make me very happy!" That's also what I said about the 2nd half of this movie.
12:24 PM

The narrative in #EmpireRecords is often interrupted by overlong footage of what Dave Chappelle would call "white people dancin'."
12:25 PM

The writer of #EmpireRecords based it on a Tower Records she used to work at. I don't remember seeing the Tower clerks dance all the time.
12:25 PM

Not even the clerks at laid-back Streetlight Records here in the Bay Area are this peppy or fond of air-guitaring.
12:26 PM

High Fidelity's Championship Vinyl is what a real indie record store looks like. #EmpireRecords is a record store straight outta Disneyland.
12:28 PM

Where's the clerk who laughs at customers' music choices?
12:29 PM

Where are the clerks who yak at length about how bitter they still are about Glenn Danzig not being cast as Wolverine?
12:29 PM

Although Tower was the basis for #EmpireRecords, it's portrayed as the enemy and renamed Music Town. The facade is red/yellow like Tower's.
12:30 PM

Tower is also a villain in Treme. Its pilot has a funny subplot in which Steve Zahn fights Tower to get his band's CDs back.
12:30 PM

Maxwell Caulfield's character Rex Manning is like a white--and straight--Ricky Martin. Hey, they even got the same initials.
12:31 PM

In #EmpireRecords' alternate universe, "Say No More" is like "Livin' La Vida Loca" in 1999. You can't hide your ears from the motherfucker!
12:31 PM

Liv Tyler resembles Unhappily Ever After-era Nikki Cox during the scene when she's dancing to "Say No More."
12:32 PM

All that's missing is the audience of drunken sailors who were bused in to the studio to holla at Nikki Cox.
12:32 PM

Anthony LaPaglia says to Ethan Embry, "Mark, could you please not sing?" Mark, could you please try not to be funny?
12:36 PM

Mark is the stoner version of the Martian comic relief from Santa Claus Conquers the Martians who tries too hard to be wacky.
12:36 PM

Cochrane is the funniest actor in the movie. "Who knows where thoughts come from? They just appear."
12:38 PM

It's as if Cochrane came from a different, wittier movie. He's like the basketball coach who's too witty to be in Teen Wolf.
12:38 PM

Lucas doesn't get fired for gambling away $9000 of #EmpireRecords' money. Good thing Joe doesn't fire Lucas. He's the only funny character.
12:39 PM

Aw yeah, "Romeo & Juliet" by Dire Straits. Because this is #EmpireRecords, we're given only 30 seconds to savor the tune.
12:39 PM

The ballet dancer customer who's getting checked out by Mark during the Dire Straits sequence looks like Maria McKee.
12:39 PM

The Maria McKee/Lone Justice track "Ways to Be Wicked" is a great forgotten driving-with-the-top-down song from the '80s.
12:40 PM

Lone Justice is also known for "Shelter." Let me be your shelter, shelter from the annoying Mark, Maria McKee lookalike.
12:40 PM

Lone Justice's "Ways to Be Wicked" has nothing to do with #EmpireRecords, but it's a cool fucking song: http://bit.ly/KbZP3
12:40 PM

The ballet dancer is played by Maxwell Caulfield's stepdaughter from his marriage to Juliet Mills.
12:41 PM

I want the Devo hat lampshade that's behind Lucas when Joe tells him he should have come to him for help.
12:43 PM

Robin Tunney, who plays Deb, cuts off her hair to the tune of "Free" by the Martinis. The #EmpireRecords song list: http://bit.ly/cneIj2
12:45 PM

The Martinis was co-founded by TV composer Joey Santiago, the Pinoy member of the Pixies. "Free": http://bit.ly/DWE6O
12:45 PM

The Pixies get mentioned in closing credits dialogue between Eddie the pizzaboy and Mark about bands they dig and hate.
12:45 PM

One day, Britney Spears saw Robin Tunney shave off her hair, and a Cheetos-stained lightbulb popped up over her head.
12:45 PM

Too bad Deb didn't lower that electric shaver and work on her armpits as well.
12:46 PM

One of the lamest moments in #EmpireRecords is Liv Tyler's boring floppy-haired love interest referring to Mr. Miyagi as Chinese.
12:47 PM

Miyagi is Japanese, you emo dipshit who told the barber, "Dude, make me look like a greasy, post-Eight Is Enough Adam Rich."
12:47 PM

Because of his line about Miyagi, I got a kick out of seeing Johnny Whitworth get bitchslapped and killed in 3:10 to Yuma.
12:48 PM

There are some pretty awful Gen-X hairdos in this flick (exhibit A: A.J.). Speaking of Gen-Xers: http://onion.com/9tDHch
12:48 PM

That Simpsons episode that flashed back to Homer and Marge as Gen-Xers must have turned to this movie for fashion ideas.
12:49 PM

See, kids, the thing that the pizzaboy handed to Mark is called a cassette. No, you can't plug it in to your MacBook, silly.
12:49 PM

"Video Killed the Radio Star" was the first music video MTV played. I'm looking forward to "Internet Killed the Video Star."
12:53 PM

"Internet Killed the Video Star" will then be followed by "Holobands Killed the Internet Star."
12:54 PM

Is Rex Manning a jab at Richard Marx? The fans who show up for Rex Manning Day were probably also into Richard Marx.
12:57 PM

I have no clue who Justin Bieber is, other than he's a trending topic and he has a Rex Manning-like future ahead of him.
12:57 PM

I can't name any of Bieber's songs. Whenever he performed on SNL last week, I would change the channel to Austin City Limits.
12:58 PM

I flicked to Austin City Limits and pretended Kings of Leon was Tina's musical guest. That's how interested I am in Bieber.
12:58 PM

Shh! It's my favorite scene. Renee Zellweger dances around in nothing but a Music Town apron and black panties.
12:59 PM

Dave Chappelle's Trading Spouses character said, "Who the hell is Renee Zell-weh-jer?" That the hell is Renee Zell-weh-jer.
12:59 PM

Or rather WAS Renee Zell-weh-jer. She isn't aging as gracefully as Liv Tyler is.
12:59 PM

I would love to see some chick turn the Renee Zellweger Music Town apron into a Halloween costume someday.
1:00 PM

Great understated bit of comic acting by Cochrane as he reacts to Gina in the apron and covers Warren the shoplifter's eyes.
1:00 PM

"Hey Rex, what happened to your hair?" Hey Debi Mazar, what happened to your hair?
1:00 PM

With the red pixie cut, Debi Mazar looks like she's auditioning to be the white member of the Mary Jane Girls.
1:02 PM

Debi Mazar plays a record label publicist who secretly hates Rex. Her publicist character on Entourage is far less timid.
1:03 PM

I want to see Mazar's Entourage character get into a filthy insult duel with Peter Capaldi's spin doctor from In the Loop.
1:04 PM

The #EmpireRecords cast includes 3 future stars of CBS procedurals: Without a Trace's Anthony LaPaglia, The Mentalist's Robin Tunney and...
1:05 PM

... Rory Cochrane. He went on to briefly co-star with David Caruso's sunglasses on CSI: Miami.
1:05 PM

I'm not sure what the amount of future CBS procedural actors in the cast says about #EmpireRecords. Maybe they were looking for a corpse...
1:06 PM

... without realizing that the corpse was #EmpireRecords itself. The movie sat on Warner Bros.' shelf and then died at the box office.
1:06 PM

I know, Without a Trace was a missing persons show, not a whodunit like Mentalist & CSI, but for the purposes of that joke...
1:07 PM

Ethan Embry was also a regular on a procedural, but this one aired on ABC: Ed O'Neill's surprisingly not-so-crappy Dragnet.
1:08 PM

I liked the O'Neill Dragnet more than the Dragnet everyone else grew up on because unlike Jack Webb, O'Neill can act.
1:08 PM

I liked how nobody on Dick Wolf's Dragnet read their lines off cue cards like on the Jack Webb version.
1:09 PM

Having O'Neill partner up with his Dutch co-star Embry was a nice touch. So was Mike Post's update of the Dragnet theme.
1:15 PM

The quality of O'Neill's Dragnet didn't last though. It became unwatchable when it changed its title to L.A. Dragnet.
1:15 PM

L.A. Dragnet? WTF, Dick Wolf? That's like if one day, he decided to change Law & Order's title to N.Y. Law & Order...
1:16 PM

... or if CBS decided to change the title of its new Hawaii Five-0 remake to Hawaiian Hawaii Five-0.
1:16 PM

A.J. weirds out Corey with "I love you." Michael Showalter's lovesick Wet Hot American Summer character was a parody of A.J.
1:22 PM

Any scene between Johnny Whitworth's A.J. and Liv Tyler's Corey is always a good time for me to go clean out my e-mail.
1:22 PM

Caring about the romance in #EmpireRecords is like watching Caddyshack just to see if Michael O'Keefe will win over the chick from Ireland.
1:23 PM

#EmpireRecords director Allan Moyle also made Pump Up the Volume, which features an odd appearance by a Wonder Years babe-turned-porn star.
1:24 PM

The most interesting thing about Pump Up the Volume is that the pregnant teen was played by future Tiger Woods penis cozy Holly Sampson.
1:24 PM

My 2 favorite tracks from the #EmpireRecords album--"A Girl Like You" and the Cranberries' "Liar"--are back-to-back in the movie.
1:28 PM

Edwyn Collins shot two "A Girl Like You" videos. They Might Be Giants' John Flansburgh directed one of them: http://bit.ly/aZk7wV
1:29 PM

The full version of the great fake pop song "Say No More": http://bit.ly/wuh6Z. "Say No More" wasn't included on the #EmpireRecords album.
1:30 PM

Soundtrack albums that don't contain many of the songs I liked hearing in the movie are annoying (#EmpireRecords, GoodFellas).
1:32 PM

"Say No More" is a dead-on parody of washed-up soap actors-turned-pop singers, right down to Rex's puffy shirt.
1:32 PM

#EmpireRecords must've been temp-tracked with Beastie Boys joints. Rex Manning gets thrown out to the tune of a "Johnny Ryall" soundalike.
1:33 PM

#EmpireRecords is one caffeine pill away from turning into a very special Saved by the Bell.
1:34 PM

Aw Christ, the Renee Zellweger/Liv Tyler screaming match is more OTT than Elizabeth Berkley's "I'm So Excited" meltdown.
1:34 PM

If Liv Tyler performed her screaming match with Zellweger in Elvish, the Elvish still wouldn't save the scene from sucking.
1:35 PM

#EmpireRecords is an incredibly bipolar movie. Many of its characters act like it too.
1:35 PM

Amazon.com's #EmpireRecords review is spot-on: the film "screeches with the sound of teenagers falling apart emotionally every 5 minutes."
1:35 PM

From Google Health's page on bipolar disorder: "Periods of excitability (mania) alternating with periods of depression"?
1:36 PM

"The 'mood swings' between mania and depression can be very abrupt"? Yep, that describes #EmpireRecords to a tee.
1:36 PM

Perhaps bipolar isn't even the right word to describe #EmpireRecords' constant changes in tone. It's more like quintupolar.
1:38 PM

By the way, what the hell is up with that expression "describes it to a tee"? That expression makes no sense.
1:38 PM

Robin Tunney's delivery of "Oh Rexy, stop that! You're so sexy!" is amusing. Funniest bald chick since Shorty Robe Ilia.
1:39 PM

"You are the Kirk Unit." How does an actress say that with a straight face?
1:40 PM

The no-longer-bald stand-up comic Rene Hicks was a pretty funny bald lady too.
1:41 PM

Tracy Morgan does a dead-on Chewbacca. He also recently did a hilarious impression of Dr. Zaius on Letterman.
1:41 PM

I don't know if Tracy Morgan's ever seen Star Trek: The Motion Picture, but...
1:41 PM

... I'd like to see Tracy Morgan add the Ilia probe to his repertoire of '60s/'70s sci-fi character impressions.
1:43 PM

Mark wolfs down Eddie's pot brownies and laughs it up as he imagines himself jamming on TV with GWAR.
1:43 PM

Pot brownies can help make unfunny things funnier, like this GWAR/brownies sequence. Or According to Jim. Or Mind of Mencia.
1:44 PM

Or Glenn Beck comedy tours. On second thought, maybe not even pot brownies could help make them entertaining.
1:44 PM

Eddie the Henry Rollins-hating pizzaboy is one of the few #EmpireRecords characters who's not recycled from an '80s teen flick.
1:45 PM

Most of the #EmpireRecords characters don't discuss their musical tastes, so it's a relief to hear Eddie drop knowledge about Eric Clapton.
1:46 PM

Eddie, who's played by James "Kimo" Wills, actually sounds like someone I'd find working in an indie record store.
1:46 PM

There's a funny @The_AV_Club article about movie and TV characters with unconvincing musical tastes: http://bit.ly/aZi4KO
1:46 PM

One good thing about #EmpireRecords is that it doesn't have Eddie express some out-of-nowhere love for Hootie & the Blowfish or something.
1:46 PM

#EmpireRecords was originally written to take place over 2 days, but they got squished into one. No wonder this movie makes little sense.
1:47 PM

#EmpireRecords is like the chick in the Elvis Costello song "Episode of Blonde." It has the attention span of warm cellophane.
1:47 PM

As #EmpireRecords squeezes in dramatic crisis after dramatic crisis, I feel like Mel Brooks at the start of High Anxiety.
1:47 PM

Instead of "What a dramatic airport!," it's "What a dramatic independent record store!"
1:48 PM

An #EmpireRecords dramatic scene that's actually not terrible is Deb at her "funeral," quietly deciding not to try to kill herself anymore.
1:49 PM

The mock funeral is clearly a shout-out to Robert Altman's M*A*S*H.
1:51 PM

Speaking of Altman, Liv Tyler went on to give what's perhaps her best performance so far in Cookie's Fortune.
1:52 PM

The fake funeral in the middle of the day makes no sense. I thought Rex Manning Day's supposed to the busiest day of the yr.
1:52 PM

Despite making no sense, Deb's fake funeral is genuinely amusing. Deb gets annoyed by how self-absorbed her "mourners" are.
1:53 PM

Tyra from Friday Night Lights has a lot in common with Gina. Both are trampy blondes who don't want to turn into their moms.
1:54 PM

WARNING: Warren the shoplifter's Johnny Rotten-like screechy voice may frighten canine viewers.
1:55 PM

On the couch, Renee Zellweger is sitting on Liv Tyler's lap. Is this heading towards a lingerie pillow fight? I hope so.
1:56 PM

This movie would be shorter if the townspeople used Twitter to spread the word about the store-saving midnight concert.
2:02 PM

#EmpireRecords was my 1st exposure to Renee Zellweger. When Jerry Maguire dropped, I was like, "It's the apron chick from #EmpireRecords."
2:03 PM

I've actually never seen Jerry Maguire, even though I bought a widescreen VHS of Jerry Maguire 11 years ago.
2:04 PM

VHS was where #EmpireRecords found its cult after a theatrical run that shouldn't even be called a release. It was more like a silent fart.
2:06 PM

Hal Sparks-ish Evil Corporate Exec from Music Town says one of the movie's best lines: "Doesn't anybody work in this store?"
2:06 PM

Zellweger's performance of "Sugar High" on the rooftop is another highlight of #EmpireRecords. No lip-synching-to-Marni Nixon shit here.
2:07 PM

Coyote Shivers is best known for "Sugar High" and getting slapped with restraining orders by his ex--Abby from NCIS.
2:07 PM

Coyote Shivers' douchey treatment of Pauley Perrette is diminishing my enjoyment of "Sugar High."
2:08 PM

Abusing and stalking Abby from NCIS is like clubbing a baby seal. A Gothy, studded dog collar-wearing baby seal.
2:08 PM

Wow. @smush21 of @GraceNMichelle recreates Renee Zellweger's outfit and sings "Sugar High": http://bit.ly/9utUo0
2:09 PM

Tobey Maguire, who's listed in the credits but was deleted from #EmpireRecords' theatrical cut, isn't found in this 2003 "Remix" either.
2:13 PM

This 2003 version of #EmpireRecords is 17 minutes longer than the 1995 version, yet they weren't able to squeeze in Spider-Man?
2:13 PM

Maybe Maguire had a crying scene that's as awful as his Spider-Man 3 crying scenes. Maybe that's why he remains deleted from #EmpireRecords.
2:14 PM

The Tobey Maguire footage that we all want to see isn't even included in the DVD's deleted scenes.
2:14 PM

The deleted scenes contain more of Maxwell Caulfield as Rex and establish that he once was like the Coyote Shivers character.
2:14 PM

In the deleted footage, Rex redeems himself and gets his street cred back by jamming with Coyote Shivers.
2:15 PM

I'll now describe Rex's regained street cred in rap history terms without sounding like a dumbass like Michael Steele.
2:15 PM

Rex is LL Cool J, and his deleted midnight concert scene is his Mama Said Knock You Out moment after losing his street cred.
2:16 PM

The Gin Blossoms' "Til I Hear It from You" was co-written by Marshall Crenshaw? I did not know that. That's weird wild stuff.
2:16 PM

For some reason, I thought Adam Schlesinger from Fountains of Wayne co-wrote "Til I Hear It from You."
2:17 PM

"Til I Hear It from You" is a pop song I'm kind of ashamed to admit I like.
2:17 PM

My text commentary continues for a few minutes after the credits ended. I guess this is like the Fast Times DVD commentrak.
2:18 PM

It looks like #EmpireRecords director Allan Moyle was trying to make a freewheeling Altman flick for Gen-Xers...
2:19 PM

... but the different sections (ooh, it's an Afterschool Special about drugs... ooh, now it's on suicide) don't gel together.
2:19 PM

There's a much better Altman-esque flick for Gen-Xers that also starred Rory Cochrane. It's called Dazed and Confused.
2:20 PM

Even though Dazed and Confused is set in the '70s, it's very much a Gen-Xer film.
2:20 PM

The dramatic conflicts in Dazed and Confused feel much less forced. I almost forgot that Renee Zellweger is also in D&C.
2:21 PM

As a shout-out to Cochrane and Zellweger's earlier film, a store register had a Dazed and Confused bumper sticker on it.
2:22 PM

The register with the Dazed and Confused sticker was behind Warren the shoplifter while he waved his gun around.
2:22 PM

Rent Dazed and Confused instead of #EmpireRecords if you haven't seen either film. The drinking games you can play during D&C are the shit.
2:23 PM

After the "Drink when Wiley Wiggins touches his nose" game during Dazed and Confused, you'll be dead from alcohol poisoning.
2:25 PM

End of #EmpireRecords live-tweet. Damn the man. Drop by afistfulofsoundtracks.blogspot.com for the live-tweet recap.
2:26 PM

(Empire Records photo sources: Fanpop, SEMI)

Five funniest moments of unsettling, non-Monty Python's The Meaning of Life eating by powerful men (or women) in movies and TV

This list is inspired by a hashtag tweeted by Harold J. Lee on September 2, 2010 ("Deniro and Pesci eating latenight food from Pesci's mom in Goodfellas with the body in the car trunk. #UnsettlingEatingByPowerfulMenInMovies").

By the way, if Lee's name sounds familiar, it's because Harold & Kumar creators Jon Hurwitz and Hayden Schlossberg named the John Cho character after their friend Lee.

WARNING: NSFW language ahead.

1. De Niro's loud sandwich-chewing in Cop Land



2. Bernie Mac's loud orange-chewing in Bad Santa
Right at the 2:00 mark:



3. Kali Rocha, as a pregnant and surly receptionist for a city councilwoman, attacking a hot dog filled with sauerkraut in the Monk episode "Mr. Monk Fights City Hall"

4. Robert Wagner as a "Sloppy Eater" on SNL in 1989 (starts at 06:12)

5. Paul Sorvino's oyster-slurping in Dick Tracy
At the 0:28 mark:

TV math

That line about all Asians enjoying math is bullshit because not all of us enjoy it. I hate math because I've always sucked at it. I barely remember how to do algebra anymore--that's how much I adore math. I took my own difficulties with math and made that trait a part of the backstory of the heroine I created for Secret Identities: The Asian American Superhero Anthology. If us Filipinos were great at math, we wouldn't be making so many damn boneheaded decisions when it comes to money, business or real estate.

I may suck at math, but I'm good at TV math, as you can see from these December 3, 2010 tweets I'm reposting. I got bored on Twitter one morning and started talking in nothing but TV math equations.

Evangeline Lilly

+ @MeganSCDP =

that hot chick in the T-Mobile myTouch 4G commercials
11:07 AM Dec 3rd

Robotech

+ the '90s MTV animated series Downtown

+ (the Clerks franchise minus the bestiality) =

the much-missed Megas XLR
11:15 AM Dec 3rd

Voltron

+ Bring It On

+ (The Powers of Matthew Star minus the sight of Louis Gossett Jr. slumming it) =

Sym-Bionic Titan
11:18 AM Dec 3rd

(28 Days Later minus fast zombies) + slow zombies + all the bickering scenes from Lost = AMC's adaptation of The Walking Dead
11:08 AM Dec 3rd

Early '90s-era Usher + the baritone of a teenage Wayne Newton + awful songwriting + Linda Evangelista's hair = Justin Bieber
11:09 AM Dec 3rd

Kelly Brook boobage + MTV Spring Break coverage reimagined by a Gorezone reader + (Jerry O'Connell minus his dick) = Piranha 3D #FilmMath
11:11 AM Dec 3rd

(The live-action Scooby-Doo minus the Scooby cast) + the Yogi cast + Hanna or Barbera spinning in his grave = that Yogi Bear movie #FilmMath
11:13 AM Dec 3rd

(Northern Exposure minus almost all the Indians) + the intellect of a bag of hammers + a train wreck = Sarah Palin's Alaska on TLC
11:20 AM Dec 3rd

TV Critic Grimlock gets an unexpected reply from some guy who makes TV shows

Shawn Ryan--creator of The Shield and Fox's upcoming Ride-Along The Chicago Code and producer of what has to be my favorite new fall show, the FX private eye drama Terriers--retweeted TV Critic Grimlock last night, and as a result, Grimmy's followership, which has been as tiny as his arms, experienced a wee bit of a spike. Congratulations, Grim!

TV Critic Grimlock is the new definitive voice of TV criticism, so move over, Tom Shales--that is if you can move that hefty ass of yours

In just 50 or so tweets, Grimlock the Dinobot has emerged as a new insightful voice in the often stuffy and annoyingly middlebrow field of TV criticism. Nobody--not even the witty recappers over at the Onion-owned A.V. Club or the refreshingly not-so-stuffy, comic book-loving Alan Sepinwall--has enlivened coverage of the new fall TV season quite like the belligerent tyrannosaur has:

"me grimlock liked when grace park in bikini punched out surfer on five-0. hottest entrance since julie warner skinny-dip in doc hollywood!" (Tuesday, October 05, 2010 8:06 PM)

"me grimlock not miss rick sanchez. sesame street newsflash reporter kermit frog: he more credible journalist than rick sanchez." (Tuesday, October 05, 2010 8:00 PM)

"me grimlock not into unfunny nbc sitcom outsourced. me wish that call center get torched by mumbai gangsters in final episode." (Wednesday, October 06, 2010 11:45 AM)

"me grimlock not masturbate to fox news ladies because they sound so hateful and whiny like starscream." (Wednesday, October 06, 2010 11:41 AM)

I haven't been this riveted by the thoughts of a writer who's discussing TV since the time Armond White implied he wanted to spoon with Keller from Oz.

So what if TV Critic Grimlock, who launched his Twitter page with my help last Sunday (@TVCritGrimlock), has only one follower? Some talented writers are at their most interesting when they're a best-kept secret--or before they jump the shark, to borrow a TV-related phrase that, now that I've finally thought about it, is kind of as tiresome a term as "BFF" or "bromance."

From the Autobot homebase known as the Ark, Grimlock took some time out of his busy TV-watching schedule to discuss the fall season and the animosity towards Optimus Prime (and Dinobot teammate Slag and anyone who's a Decepticon) that occasionally seeps into his tweets, which always look e.e. cummings-esque because Grimlock doesn't quite understand the purpose of the Caps Lock key. To make this Q&A less irritating to read, all of Grimlock's words have been properly cased.


Jimmy J. Aquino: TV Critic Grimlock, do I have to include the "TV Critic" when I address you? Can't I just address you as simply Grimlock or "Grimmy" or "Grimbo" or "Mista Grim" or "Claws Up, 'Lock Down"?

TV Critic Grimlock: Me Grimlock not care! Just like how Optimus not care that his management style become too soft and antiquated for me Grimlock.

JJA: Wow, you just really can't let that beef with Optimus go, can you, Rex-n-Effect? Even after everything Optimus has done for you and your Dinobots here on Earth?

TVCG: Optimus remind me Grimlock of Colosimo in Boardwalk Empire! Optimus lacking ambition! You remember what happen to Colosimo at end of Boardwalk Empire series premiere? Me Grimlock not need to say more.

JJA: You do know you just basically said that Optimus' days are num...

TVCG: Me Grimlock not wish to comment anymore on that. Move on.


JJA: Boardwalk Empire has been well-received within the TV critic community, but you said, "3 episodes in, and me grimlock still wondering if boardwalk empire gonna be scorsese's berlin alexanderplatz or scorsese's seaquest dsv." Aren't you being just as impatient as the broadcast network execs whose constant tinkering in the development of their scripted shows is something HBO has been careful to avoid with its scripted shows?

TVCG: Huh? Me Grimlock not completely follow question. Slow down for me Grimlock.

JJA: You dug The Wire and The Sopranos, right? The Wire didn't get cooking until the fourth episode, when McNulty and Bunk exchanged nothing but F-bombs at the crime scene, and then we knew this wasn't going to be another banal procedural. The Sopranos' first really interesting ep wasn't the pilot. It was when Tony took Meadow on a college road trip, which sounded dull on paper but was riveting because of the artful way the innocuous trip was juxtaposed with Tony's murderous side. Because there's very little pressure to talk down to their viewers and hold their hands and cup their balls, HBO dramas unfold slowly. That's what I think Boardwalk Empire showrunner Terence Winter--a former Sopranos staffer--is doing with his new show.

TVCG: Me Grimlock enjoy certain aspects of Boardwalk--especially full-frontal Paz de la Huerta nudenessness--but at times, me Grimlock feel like been there, done that. Some part of me Grimlock feel like HBO doing another gangster show kind of not up to post-Sopranos HBO standards. AMC and FX original programs more interesting than HBO output these days. Look at biggest hit on HBO right now: vampire version of old '80s HBO softcore porn show The Hitchhiker, but with 10 times less Canadians and 10 times more gay sex? Come on, HBO, step game up.

JJA: But I think most of HBO's scripted comedies have been pretty above average. I was glad for Eastbound & Down's return the moment when Ana de la Reguera slowly shook her ass and did the best version of "Night Moves" ever. What are some examples of AMC and FX original programming that you think are putting HBO to shame right now?

TVCG: Me Grimlock blown away by Breaking Bad! Although Walt remind me Grimlock too much of Optimus when he deal with Jesse, so me not like Walt so much. Me root for Jesse to someday overpower Optimus... I mean... Walt. Mad Men in top form now that storylines headed towards turbulent late '60s. HBO original series department on crack when they rejected Mad Men.

On FX side, me Grimlock into Justified, It Always Sunny and Terriers. Me Grimlock thought at first that Terriers too much like breezy, lighthearted USA detective show, but then me surprised by dark Shield-like turn early on. Me bet that dark turn due to presence of Shawn Ryan. Lights Out trailer on FX badass. Me Grimlock look forward to Lights Out.


JJA: Louie has been excellent. I'm glad Louie will be coming back to FX, as well as Archer.

TVCG: Me enjoy Archer even though it could use more Dinobots in cast. Archer need more diversity in cast. Maybe in season two, Archer writing staff get Dinobot to seduce Lana on undercover mission.

JJA: You Grimlock wanna hit that, right?

TVCG: Me Grimlock like! Lana's man-hands not bother me Grimlock!

JJA: But Tom Shales bothers you. You tweeted that you "wanna rip apart velma from scooby-doo lookalike tom shales. any critic who frequently attack daily show gonna get bit by me."

TVCG: Jonny Stew funny! Tom Shales? Funny-looking!

JJA: Well, you are aware that Shales has always been Team SNL, right?

TVCG: He also hate Wiseguy. Me Grimlock not understand why Shales never like it. Me Grimlock used to enjoy reruns of '80s precursor to Donnie Brasco and Sopranos, even though Unibrow too whiny as undercover Fed.

JJA: Vinnie Terranova was also pretty whiny behind the scenes, according to some old article I once read. It listed Ken Wahl as one of the most difficult-to-work-with TV stars of the '80s. Although when a camera runs over your foot twice and leaves you in crutches and a cast for half a season, being a dick is understandable.

TVCG: Me Grimlock would bite cameraman if he did that to me Grimlock!

JJA: Are you saddened by the passing of Wiseguy co-creator Stephen J. Cannell?

TVCG: Me Grimlock love A-Team--even though bullets not ever hit anybody on that show. Yeah, big loss when Cannell died. Cannell behind so many badass shows! Cannell got brains like friend Perceptor!

JJA: Yeah, The A-Team can be a fun show, and I always get a kick out of B.A.'s hatred of planes, but I don't think parts of that show have aged well. Nah, I'm more of a Rockford Files guy. I first saw Rockford on DVD and got hooked on that show. That shit's timeless.


TVCG: Me Grimlock think Rockford too wimpy! He hurt hand whenever he throw punch! That never happen to me Grimlock!

JJA: Uh, that kind of was the point of The Rockford Files. He's not invincible. He doesn't have metal claws and razor-sharp teeth.

TVCG: Wimp!

JJA: Are you on Cybertronian crack? Haven't you ever seen Rockfish's ride, the Firebird?

TVCG: It not able to transform into warrior like me Grimlock! Wimp!


JJA: Which of the fall's new shows really stand out?

TVCG: Me Grimlock think Terriers terrific. Broadcast network dramas not on par with current cable dramas, although Hawaii Five-0 and slightly edgier Detroit 1-8-7 both solid "comfort food" dramas. Five-0 seem more like USA show than CBS show. CBS hour-longs usually gloomy and as Perceptor once joked, often named after 12 percent of alphabet.

JJA: "Twelve percent of alphabet." I get it: CSI, NCIS...

TVCG: No one except showrunners of Lone Star--before it cancelled--and The Event itching to make next Lost. That tell you plenty about current scripteds on broadcast networks.

JJA: Whoa, I think somebody's trying to impress Variety. "Scripteds." "Hour-longs." So yeah, not-so-risky procedurals are still the way to go, especially in this economy.

TVCG: Me Grimlock not like! Cable better! More risk-taking! Scripts better written on cable! Characters more complex! Lots of human lady tits for Powerglide to rub nosecone to!

JJA: Thanks for that pleasant image of Powerglide, Grimlock.

TVCG: Me Grimlock not like reality TV, whether on broadcast networks or cable! Slag enjoy that vapid drivel! Me Grimlock battle Slag for command of remote! Slag always watching Real Housewives franchise. If me Grimlock wanna hear ugly bitches argue, me go send Blaster to eavesdrop on Megatron and Starscream.

JJA: Do you think the haters are right about Glee quickly running out of steam like Ryan Murphy's previous show Nip/Tuck did?

TVCG: Me Grimlock not watch Glee.

JJA: Me neither. I'm like Jeff on my current favorite non-cable show Community: "I don't understand the appeal at all!"

TVCG: Glee more something Bumblebee would like. Me Grimlock once caught Bumblebee singing along to Camp Rock 2 soundtrack.

JJA: And that's a good place to end it. Thanks for stepping out of "the dark of the moon" to do this, man, uh, I mean, tyrann.

TVCG: Me Grimlock! King of Twitter! Me not give two stegosaur shits about me having only one Twitter follower!

twitter.com/TVCritGrimlock